TOP 30 SINGLES OF 2012: 10 - 1

10. King of Hearts - Cassie

If you had told me in 2011 that one of the best singles of the year would come from the oft-forgotten Cassie, I would have... well, I would've believed you, actually (CASSIEFAN4LYF).  This song was released on Valentine's Day, giving me a greater gift than any of my imaginary lovers could've possibly given.  I love that this is a song where Cassie's paper thin vocals actually add something to the track, she never reaches outside her comfort zone.  Plus, the climax of that final chorus is enough to make anyone lose their mind on the dancefloor.  Chart positions aside, King of Hearts will go down as one of the most unjustly overlooked bangers of 2012.

9. Black Heart - Stooshe

Black Heart was not the single I thought I wanted from Stooshe.  It was the antithesis of the trashy but fun Fuck Me, in the very best way possible.  You couldn't go anywhere without hearing this song in the Summer and I had very high hopes for the girls after it peaked at #3.  Where would they go next?  Would they rival Little Mix as our next great girl group?  Turns out they released a cover of Waterfalls and had their album pushed back to 2013.  But even if 2012 is the biggest year for Stooshe, at least we'll have Black Heart to fondly remember them by.

8. National Anthem - Lana Del Rey

I put this on here because, even though the demo is still much better, the song deserves to be here.  As does the video.  If someone were to ask me who Lana was or what her whole shtick was, I'd show them this.  It sums up Born To Die nicely, while managing to sidestep the slightly sickly Lolita persona she adopts sometimes.  Plus, she makes one hell of a Marilyn.

7. Lolita - The Veronicas

We may have ended up having to wait a little longer for their third album than we hoped, but what's a few more months when this is our appetiser?  In retrospect, I'm not surprised this song wasn't a hit.  It's too far from the safe side of the dance sound on radio today and the video is more than a little weird.  I just hope it's disappointing chart position doesn't result in Life On Mars becoming an album full of the pop rock of their debut.  Lolita was a progression for the girls, I don't want to see them wind back the clock in an attempt to get a hit.

6. Ride - Lana Del Rey

Lana finished 2012 with this sweeping ballad and it's masterpiece of a video.  It may feature one too many moustaches for my liking, but it still managed to prove that music videos CAN double as mini movies without being overwrought and desperate.

5. Kiss You - One Direction

After releasing the musical equivalent of Nyquil with Little Things, One Direction wisely upped the ante with this as their third single from Take Me Home.  I think my favourite thing about this song (aside from the use of the phrase "chinny chin chin") is how earnestly the boys sing the chorus. It's as if they really don't know whether listeners actually get that kind of rush every time they touch them, as if they don't really know whether we'd take them home.  Don't be silly, Zayn.  Everyone wants to take you home. EVERYONE.

4. The Boys - Nicki Minaj (feat. Cassie)

And now we have the second and final appearances from Nicki and Cassie in my countdown.  When I heard that Pink Friday: Roman Reloaded was going to be getting a re release, I was ready for another Red One produced smash hit.  If it ain't broke, don't fix it. Right?  Well Nicki managed to break it (her run of successful singles) with The Boys.  It was an attempt to show all the haters that she could still rap better than any of the other women in the game.  Turns out, no one gave much of a fuck and the song was eventually demoted to 'buzz single' status.  It's a shame, but what do you expect when you choose Cassie as your featured artist? Was it a flop? Yes. Was it a bad song? Definitely not.  After all, it has a reference to Blossom in it.  A reference that rap music was sorely missing, am I right? Hopefully Eminem references Clarissa Explains It All on his next album.

 

3. Your Body - Christina Aguilera

I give up, Christina.  I get that you had a tough couple of years.  Unsold copies of Bionic are currently being melted down to create Lady Gaga's next tour stage.  Burlesque was cruelly ignored by the Acadamy.  So when Max Martin gifts you with this wonder of a song, what do you do? Do you promote it? Do you use your platform as a judge on The Voice to perform it to millions of viewers? Do you sing it at the AMAs? No. You perform it with a stapler on Jimmy Fallon.  You know what you can do with that stapler, Christina? Shove it up your ass. For shame, woman. For shame. What a waste. Oh the humanity. (The video's a hoot though.)

2. Something New - Girls Aloud

When I first heard this song, I swear to God, I lost the feeling in my face.  It was the perfect reintroduction to the greatest girlband ever (and yes, I'm including the Spice Girls).  There's a part of this song where each member takes a few words of the line, like they're fighting each other to be heard. It's hectic, it's bizarre and it's one of the many reasons this song is one of their finest singles ever.  Other reasons? "Follow the leader!", "I LIKE IT LIKE THAT!", "TAKE A WALK ON THE WILD SIIIDE OF LIFE".   The video is also quite lovely.  Look how happy Nadine Coyle is to be filming a music video instead of cleaning up puke at Irish Mist. Just look at her.

1. Anything Could Happen - Ellie Goulding

Do you ever listen to a song and it gives you a sudden urge to walk up to a stranger and hug them?  A song that makes you so deliriously happy it seems nothing could ever irritate you again?

Me either, but Ellie came pretty close with this single.  It's a song that means something different to me every time I play it.  Like today, for instance.  On the second last day of the year, it means "You know what, Mark? Anything COULD happen.  Maybe 2013 will be the year you stop falling asleep in lectures? Maybe you'll get discovered in the shopping centre and quickly become famous as a world class lip syncer?  Maybe you'll meet the love of your life while dancing to Scream & Shout in a nightclub? Or maybe 2013 will be a carbon copy of 2012 except with less money?"

Whatever it means to me, it always makes me smile.  And it turns out, in 2012, there was little more I wanted from a song.

TOP 30 SINGLES OF 2012: 20 - 11

20. Girl Gone Wild - Madonna

Let's call a spade a spade.  MDNA was not the album most of us wanted.  What was supposed to be a declaration of her unwavering rule as Queen of Pop ended up being Madonna's cry for help after being left at the back of the class.  When Girl Gone Wild first came out, I was thoroughly disappointed.  Months later, I've come to appreciate it as one of the only moments on the album where Madonna sounds at home.  Even when she's clearly not trying, she still manages to pull it out of the hat. She also gets props for the extremely sexy video.

19. Enough Said - Aaliyah (feat. Drake)

When I first heard news of a posthumous Aaliyah album, I was ecstatic. More music from a phenomenal artist taken far too soon.  When I first heard Drake was going to be heavily involved, I was crestfallen.  Drake never even met the woman, what would he know about creating an album for her?  When I finally heard Enough Said, I was once again prepared for the album.  Those haunting vocals were a clear reminder that it wouldn't matter who was involved, Aaliyah's talent would ultimately reign supreme.  Now, if we can just keep the whining from Drake at a minimum, I think we're all ready for that album now.

18. Pound The Alarm - Nicki Minaj

This is the first of two Minaj tracks on my countdown.  2012 was a year in which Nicki proved that it wasn't necessary to be likeable in order to create brilliant pop music.  Starships, Pound The Alarm and the I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS WASN'T A FUCKING SINGLE Whip It paved the way for Nicki to take over every radio station and gay bar in the world.  That speed bump known as The Re-Up may have put this plan on the back burner for now, but the pop tracks on Roman Reloaded are my proof that she still has it in her to become the next huge pop star.  After all, if she's good enough for Britney...

17. I Knew You Were Trouble - Taylor Swift

SHE'S OFFICIALLY A POP STAR NOW!

(I was going to put the video of Selena Gomez's dance to this here instead, but I decided against it.  However, any fellow hair-flip porn enthusiasts like myself should seek the video out immediately.)

16. Do It Like That (Fred Falke remix) - Ricki Lee

Imagine, if you will, a half an hour sex session.  It's pleasant.  You both enjoy yourself and fall asleep in a light embrace.  This experience is the single version of Do It Like That.  Now imagine sex that is so good you have to take a few hours afterwards to try and remember your name and where you are.  This experience is the Fred Falke remix of Do It Like That. Seriously. It's that good.

15. Where Have You Been - Rihanna

It stills baffles me that this song wasn't number one in every country this Summer. I mean, Rihanna even danced in the video! Well... did some sort of vagina boxing thing, but regardless, if she was willing to assault her own pubic region in order to give us a good video, we should've rewarded her by making this single the biggest one she's ever had. Shame on us. Shame on all of us.

14. Under The Sun - Cheryl

I've said it before and I'll say it again - I am not a fan of Cheryl's solo career.  For the most part, her albums have been little more than a slap in the face to her loyal fan base.  But when A Million Lights got it right, it got it really fucking right.  Case in point, number 14 on this countdown.  Under The Sun didn't sound like any other Cheryl song we'd ever heard, or like anything else on the radio.  Which probably explains why it didn't exactly set the charts alight.  It was a rare thing, a song in which Cheryl didn't sound like she was trying very hard.  It's also much better than Call My Name. It's true. Face it everyone.  Special mention must go out to the part in the middle 8 where Cheryl demands we all go down on her, as it is hilarious and not at all as subtle as the producers probably thought it was.

13. Livin' It Up - Ciara

I'm not sure this was actually a single anywhere in the world.  Not that it matters, Ciara singles are about as relevant as Lauren Conrad novels these says, but this song was a ridiculously catchy reminder that she was still alive and able to give us a bouncy pop tune.  

12. Troublemaker - Olly Murs (feat. Flo Rida)

It's everyone's favourite cheeky chappy Olly Murs being cheeky in a video in which he cheekily flirts with a girl he hopes will one day call him HER cheeky chappy.  He's so cheeky.  Seriously though, a song with both Olly Murs and Flo Rida should have caused the universe to explode in one douche-tastic explosion.  And yet, we're still here. You wanna know why? Because this song is very fun. 

11. Die Young - Ke$ha

Ke$ha may have suffered from a bad case of the Born-This-Ways when she was hyping up her big comeback single, but Die Young is still quite a good song.  It's not exactly a world away from her debut album, but Animal was a brilliant album so all complaints of this nature are null and void.

TOP 30 SINGLES OF 2012: 30 - 21

30. Try - P!nk

P!nk returned this year and shocked us all with her third consecutive release of I'm Not Dead. Annoying? Yes. But it was difficult to be irritated by her all too consistent music when she released Try as her second single.  While it may be a sound we've heard from her a lot over the years, it's a sound she does best.  Add the video and that AMA performance into the mix and you've got the reason she's stayed relevant all these years - she's fucking awesome.

29. Begin Again - Taylor Swift

2012 was the year I finally gave into Miss Swift.  I could no longer fight my love for her bitter 'fuck you' songs dedicated to her plethora of famous ex boyfriends.  And while We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together was a pleasant gateway into Red, it was this song that really solidified my allegiance to her.  This song is understated, honest without ever being contrived and beautiful.

28. Diamonds - Rihanna

Ah, Miss Fenty.  What can I say that hasn't already been said?  In Rihanna's future autobiography (tentatively titled 'Up In Smoke: Drug Addled Memories of an Icon') the chapter on 2012 will be called "The Year of Zero Fucks Given".  And yet, from the ashes of trashy instagram pictures, pathetic attempts to deny her reconciliation with a human toilet brush and too much marijuana, rose this song.  It's a grower, for sure, and is the shining moment on an otherwise pitch black album.  I would say it was a brave single choice but as far as 2012 goes, choosing to release this was probably one of the safest decisions she made.

27. Can't Say No - Conor Maynard

"The British Justin Bieber". Hardly. Justin provokes a reaction wherever he goes, be it deafening adoration or extreme disdain.  Conor causes neither. He is simply there (until the sophomore album, anyway).  Boring personality aside, this was a cute introduction to his music.  The album didn't really have anything quite as fun on it but that's what disposable pop stars are for, right?

26. Spirit Indestructible - Nelly Furtado

Her career proved to be anything but indestructible this year, but Nelly still managed to release one of her finest singles in Spirit Indestructible.  The hectic production mixed with the inspirational lyrics summed up the rest of the album nicely and this song is the most exhilarating song from it.  It's just a pity only 30 people heard it.

25. As Long As You Love Me - Justin Bieber.

I love Justin Bieber. You hear me, world? I love him. I love this song. I love that Michael Madsen agreed to star in a video with him. I love that we live in a world where Michael Madsen would tell his agent that he was okay with playing the father to Justin Bieber's girlfriend in a music video. Just imagine it. Must have been a lean month in the Madsen household. 

24. Go Hard (La La La) - Kreayshawn

I know what you're thinking. Yes, Kreayshawn seems like a complete idiot. If she were your friend, you'd be likely to spend a lot of your time rolling your eyes and humouring her attempts to show you just how 'bad ass' she is.  Still, she released this bratty, Ke$ha-esque single this year, which suggests to me that she's a lot more fun than she initially seemed*!

*Her fun factor is clearly directly proportional to how desperate she is for at least one hit single. But isn't this the case for all of us?

23. RIP - Rita Ora (feat. Tinie Tempah)

Rita Bora quickly became one of my favourite people this year when she broke Rob Kardashian's heart and maintained a classy silence when he proceeded to slut shame her on twitter. Sadly, it was probably the only interesting thing about her, as she released one of the most shockingly boring debut albums from a major label artist I've ever heard.  RIP still sounds great though.  It was a song I refused to listen to for a while, on the grounds that "I already have one Rihanna, I don't need a subpar one as well!" Turns out, subpar Rihanna cast offs are better than a lot of other songs. Who knew?

22. DNA - Little Mix

The UK needed a new girl group. As much as I love them, I have to accept that Girls Aloud are not long for this world after the Ten tour.  The Sugababes managed to kill themselves in an ill timed (and shit) release of the dubsteppy (and shit) Freedom. And the less said about The Saturdays, the better.  Little Mix are a much needed breath of fresh air.  I was listening to this on the way to work today and it hit me just how brilliant it is.  I suggest you all play DNA on your iPods on the bus, while a confused old man stares at you and talks to himself. Because that, my friends, is how I came to appreciate it fully.

21. Lemonade - Alexandra Stan

This song makes no fucking sense. The lyrics make no sense. Why is it about lemonade? And most importantly, why haven't I been able to get it out of my head for the past five months?